Well, tonight after the kids were in bed, I sat down in the living room to get ready to feed the baby. Later my husband walked in, talked for a few minutes about stocks, all of which flew right over my head. Then he asked: "Do you want to tell me what you're thinking?"
I froze...stared at him, a water just poured out of my eyes uncontrollably. I could not even open my mouth, my teeth were clenched and a huge knot in my throat. The person I could talk to so well in years past, now gives me an anxiety attack! Why? I have PPD or I'm in PPD...however you want to say it.
PPD stands for Post Partum Depression. It is really quite a strange state of being. I used to think it was weird when I'd hear people be classified as OCD (obsessive compulsive) or Manic Depressive, Bipolar, or even Socially Retarded. I actually feel like all of the above right now.
Post Partum is technically described as the period of time right after giving birth and lasting for 6 weeks. It's normal to be emotional for no reason at all or feel extremely overwhelmed. Then you slowly get into the swing of things and your hormones even out....and you become "yourself" again.
With PPD, all these things seem to be multiplied by 10 and it lasts for extended period of time. For me, 6 months after I had Daria, I went into a downward spiral of depression and really have not come out since...except with the help of medication (which I'm bad about taking, but I'll talk about that later)....well that was 7 years ago now!....and I'm still not back to being "myself".
I have to just describe what I'm feeling cuz I always bottle things up inside me until I burst and make myself even more crazy than I already am!!! And when people talk to me and ask me what is up, how am I doing, I just put on a fake happy face, because it is SOOOOOO HARD TO TALK ABOUT!!!
So, I'm going to write about it.....
1. I'm always about to cry or crying. Sometimes there is a reason for it (thoughts that are going through my head, things I have done wrong or failed to do completely, etc.) and sometimes there is no reason at all.
2. I'm BRAINLESS!!! This is my way of saying that I'm a DITZ!!! I can't remember things I'm supposed to do, places I'm supposed to be, things I was supposed to tell someone, etc. I also have lost a lot of my memories from the past....I have a foggy details of things that happened to me when I was a child and then one of my siblings will talk about it in detail and just blow me away with what they remember!! I also can't focus very well on any one thing unless I really tell myself to.
3. I'm overwhelmed!...I have a myriad of things I NEED to do and things I WANT to do in my head all swirling around. I slowly check things off in my brain...if I can remember them...and still have 10 more things I find that I need to do to add to the list. These can be tasks or character flaws I need to fix, or even someone else's flaws I feel I need to help with. :) Of course I feel like everyone, well mainly Ladd, should have this same list in their heads and when they don't appear to be working as hard at it as I am, I get overwhelmed and exhausted!
4. I feel like I'm dying...part of me just goes after I have a baby and I don't mean just physically...I mean spiritually. I feel my personality is gone, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who my husband is anymore. The things that used to make me who I am don't appeal to me anymore. I feel like I am in a "weird funk" as my dad put it....in a sort of Limbo...neither here nor there, just this floating entity with no identity.
5. Antisocial party-pooper...this goes along with number 4, because part of who I am is being around lots of people and talking, sharing, having fun just being in the company of others. With PPD the opposite is true....I avoid situations now where there are lots of people. I don't feel like going to church or church acitivities, school events, even community events, parties, even just talking to the neighbors outside or talking on the phone. Why? I think for fear someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll just burst into tears or freeze and not be able to speak!
6. I "hate" everyone....right now I have a really hard time showing love for those who are close to me...they all drive me nuts! After Daria and Alia, this feeling was very strong for my children. They all drove me nuts! Some will say, "well whose kids don't?!" But this is different...any wrong look or word or action they made, threw me into screaming rage and then to tears. I remember in my old house locking myself in the basement and crying....what the kids did during that time, I didn't know and I didn't care! This time around, these feelings of hate have been more directed toward my husband. Everything he does or says seems to counteract what I have just said or done (especially in the discipline department) and it drives me mad! I yell and get mad and then sad and then....
7....I get nothing...indifferent and non-feeling. Right now I can honestly say I have no feelings for him. I am in this state of unfeeling, uncaring, unspiritual NOTHIINGNESS!
So...I need help! I need to go back to the doctor, but I get anxiety just thinking about the phone call I'd have to make to set up the appointment! And then I get anxiety thinking about how I have to talk to the doctor about everything I just explained in this post. I have anxiety about getting a prescription, because shouldn't I just be able to 'snap out of it"???...eventhough I have been through this before over and over again and I don't snap out of it till I have medication. Then I'll have to go to the pharmacy every month, then I'll have to take a pill every night....it wears me out just thinking about it.
To some who may read this, you might think: why would that wear you out or give you anxiety?? That's just the thing, in a normal person's brain it wouldn't!...it shouldn't!!! And that is why it is a disorder....
Oh that reminds me of another thing I've been feeling...disorder. I'm a discouraged perfectionist...I want certain things to be a certain way and when they fail to be that way, I get discouraged and give up altogether!...It's all or nothing!
Well everything has been in disarray lately! When my mom was here, she really helped me to get things in order....at least the main use parts of my house. It really felt good! Then my in-laws came and that all went out the window!!! UGH!...that's a whole other post I'll write about later.
I want my life to be simple...I want a house of order..physically and spiritually!!
I'm a mess! I feel like I want to leave...just leave it all and be free!!! But, leaving a proble never really solves it, and anyway, where would I go?...and who would watch the kids?...more anxiety...more discouragement....more depression.....it's a vicious cycle that's "killing me softly"
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8 comments:
R-
My advice would be to give Ladd and the Dr. both a copy of this post. Ask Ladd to make your appt. I know it's hard getting there, but try and focus on the difference it'll make. If you need someone to watch the kids so you can go, please just send me a note and I'll be there! There's a reason Heavenly Father inspired people to create these meds. It's just for a time to get your body back on track...
Love, Tina
The good thing about this post is that it makes us all aware and we are all willing to help. The Tina person is right - show this to the doctor since you may not share all your feelings while you are there and have L make the appointment. I'm not local, but it would be good to have a local "sponsor" - you know like AA where they call and check up on you and take you to an appointment whether you want to go or not. Remember, I'm here to talk...or read posts...and talk about flowers. But, please...no faking. That doesn't help you or anyone else. Others may be suffering behind disguises too and it's much better that we help each other.
Love ya,
r
Dear dazed and confused in New Jersey..,... wow, I feel like that lady in the paper haha We love you sister!!!! read the scriptures and study them and actually pray before you do......thats the answer to everything. :) wow im such a missionary haha its true tho!! lose yourself in love and the gospel and you will find "yourself" everywhere else.
-Elder B. Clark!
The Rebecca person is right. Print the post and show it to Ladd and your Doc. Have Ladd make the appointment. Get a baby-sitter, and go. Ask him about PPD, Depression, and ADD. And also, make an appointment with your Bishop. He can help you with the spiritual side, and if he can't he can refer you to someone who can. Don't be afraid to do this. That is what the Bishop is for.
Good luck, we love you. We will pray for you.
J
I really have no right to comment or add, but do know one thing... this is more common than you think, know or realize. Not to say what is impacting is nothing or commonplace - but rather that it is not your fault, and is a legitimate thing that causes legitimate feelings & emotions within a lot of people. There is a lot out there to help, but with that, it takes more time... effort... and energy, which right now you don't have... so be honest with that & open enough to realize it, it does not fix overnight or fix by the next time you need to do something... but it hopefully can diminish, lessen or be more manageable... it is a harsh experience, know that that are many of who love & adore you - no matter what - especially Ladd. He is forever grateful that you chose him to be your eternal mate and with that, will do anything for you & the kids to help. He wanted you & needs, through the good times and the bad. He is lucky to have you. Gene
I really have no right to comment or add, but do know one thing... this is more common than you think, know or realize. Not to say what is impacting is nothing or commonplace - but rather that it is not your fault, and is a legitimate thing that causes legitimate feelings & emotions within a lot of people. There is a lot out there to help, but with that, it takes more time... effort... and energy, which right now you don't have... so be honest with that & open enough to realize it, it does not fix overnight or fix by the next time you need to do something... but it hopefully can diminish, lessen or be more manageable... it is a harsh experience, know that that are many of who love & adore you - no matter what - especially Ladd. He is forever grateful that you chose him to be your eternal mate and with that, will do anything for you & the kids to help. He wanted you & needs, through the good times and the bad. He is lucky to have you. Gene
Hey RENO!!
OK, so I read your PPD post and then all the comments and the only one I liked was Gene whoever that may be. I think the reason I didn't like the other's posts is cuz I HATE ADVICE!!!! Sometimes when I post something and people start telling me what to do, it irritates me. But I have to agree 100% with GENE. I think what you're going through is TOTALLY NORMAL.
I think I have a level of PPD that will stick in my system forever ~ this is why when I see cute little teenagers and I want to shake them and say, "STAY AWAY FROM BOYS CUZ YOU'LL JUST GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS AND BE DEPRESSED YOUR WHOLE LIFE!"
This is probably why I really miss our college days at May Hall and Alta. Such fun, free, STRESSLESS (even though I didn't know it was stressless) times.
Reno, I wish I were there. I'd buy us a Sonic, lock all of our kids in the basement, grab my inner thighs, and cry with you. Being a mother is hard. It can down right suck at times. I always ask Heavenly Father, "If this is so important, why is there such a thing as depression for moms?" Still no answer, guess that's why the BLOG was invented?
And don't worry about those feelings for Ladd. Matt gets to be on the receiving end of that a lot, too. Sometimes I think I'd rather HAVE depression than deal with a wife that's dealing with it. Cuz I confuse even myself! We have good husbands though. Ladd's great, Matt's great. Imperfect, but great.
Yeah, MIL's also just make life that much more exciting. Have I got some stories for you! But that's phone talk, not internet talk! :)
Hello! I am a friend of Rebecca's and was just cruising through some posts and found yours about PPD. I loved it! You are not alone. I had prenatal and postnatal depression and have felt many of the things you are feelings. Plus I can relate when you say it is frustrating when in the past you know you have felt differently or "normal"
I suggest, besides medication, if you have found one that works for you, see a dr who specializes in cognitive therapy. This specialty helps you understand your triggers, cope with expectations, realize patterns that are contributing, etc.
Anyway, being a wife and a mother is a big deal. Sounds like you are a strong women even if it doesn't feel that way. Good luck on your journey!
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