Wild Cherry!!!!

Unlike my dad, this is not my favorite flavor of ice cream! :)

Wild Cherry is the name on the box of the non-permanent hair color I applied to my hair last night! YIKES!!!

I absolutely love red hair! I have always been attracted to guys with red hair and have thought women with red hair are stunning! On me....I'm not so sure. Ladd has always said, "why don't you try red" for the past 10 years or so and I never could bring myself to do it. Well, with the every increasing amount of greys on my head and the lack of money for the salon, I clipped a coupon for Clairol's Natural Instincts...or something like that...and did it myself!

I've been leery of red because I never thought I could pull off the orangey red color, so I thought I'd go with a cooler tone. Here are some pictures....you be the critic! I kinda like it...makes me feel like a different person! hahaha! Let me know what you think!

(I played with the color a bit on the photo shop...the one showing my full face is closest to what it really looks like....the others are a lot brighter than the real thing!!...fun!)

Hardwood Floors

Yippee! Our floors are done! It is so nice to have hardwood installed...not only because I don't have to walk on plywood floorboards anymore like we have for the past YEAR, but also because we hired someone to do it!!! Sometimes do-it-yourself projects are better left to professionals. Anyway, we put in a natural finish Red Oak...it is light and airy, yet cozy. It just makes everything look so clean! Here are some pictures.

Karina Shoots Again!

Well, Karina loves photography! She especially loves taking pictures of nature as you have seen in the past....and once again she took my camera out to the backyard. she took pictures of some of our vegetable plants, some with veggies on them!..yeah! Anyway, I thought you would enjoy these...some of them may even be the same flowers she took pictures of last year, but oh well, they are still beautiful. Some of the pictures I played around with on photo shop to make some abstract art!!! Hope you like them! Once again, I'd like to frame some of these!

ps...some are blurry cuz I think the lens was foggy or she got a little close, but she is learning! :)

We are Swimmers!

Wow! I'm going crazy with the posts here, but I thought I'd share what we have been doing this summer....SWIMMING!!! :) Yes, we are the SWIMMER WIMMERS or the WIMMER SWIMMERS, which ever way you want to say it!!! hahaha! Here are some pictures I took on their swim team picture day...it sure beats paying for the picture packages they offer! I'll have to include pictures of them actually swimming later on in the month. They have had fun swimming laps each morning and being in the meets on Tues. and Thurs. evenings. It's a very fun, laid back swim team program...I think they give out ribbons up to 6th or 8th place so that everyone is a "winner". :)

So far, Karina is the back stroke queen, Ethan excels at Freestyle and Breast stroke, and Jenika gets marks for form rather than speed!! I think butterfly and freestyle are her best strokes. Enjoy these pics! :)

To Teach or Not to Teach, that is the Question!!

Ever since having my baby, people left and right have been asking me if I will continue to teach Seminary. Answer: I don't know!!!

Honestly I have really not felt up to it and I talked to the Bishop today. He explained to me that he has been thinking about it a lot and that he is quite torn. I guess he spent an evening up at Girls' Camp and my student Janine bore a powerful testimony...he said he was really blown away by how much she had grown...Not that I had something to do with that, but that the Seminary program had influenced her.

Five years ago, while still in North Plainfield, Ladd and I began looking for a bigger house. Everywhere we looked it was soooo expensive with not much more space. We kind of gave up looking for awhile. All of the sudden in March of 2004, I felt this incredible need to move...quickly!...and to move west....well further west that is!!! That's when we looked out this way, but still it was so expensive!! We ended up coming west and north to find cheaper property. I really didn't want to be that far from the church/highway, but this location just seemed like our home. So, we moved.

The first few years here I was rather miserable....I didn't like the ward and felt very lonely. It was difficult to talk to the members, no on seemed to invite us over or call or want to be with us. I kept thinking: "Why did we move out here? why did I feel such a need to move out here? what was the point...the purpose?" I really couldn't figure out what had pulled me out this way other than the Spirit. When the Bishop called me and asked if I would be Seminary teacher I actually wasn't turned off at all by the idea....I instantly had this feeling..."this is why I am here!"

When I look back now, it seems like the Lord was preparing me to teach Seminary...my first calling in this ward was the Beehive advisor...there were 2 beehives in Young Women: a less active girl...don't even remember her name and Janine. When I was released from YW after having Alia, I was called as a teacher in the RS and to head up the Scripture Reading RS group that met at the church on a weekly basis. What does this have to do with anything? Well, I was able to get to know Janine and have her become comfortable with me and my family. I also spent a year in a teaching role, getting experience with that. And, I was also diving into the scriptures more deeply with my assignment in the Scripture group for Relief Society. All these callings lead up to where I have been for the last 2 years....teaching Seminary to Janine! Yes I have one other student, but he is from a large family and has grown up with the church in his life. Janine is an only child, joined when her mother joined and is very irregular in her church/mutual attendance....I honestly feel that I am here for her.

I know it sounds odd, but I feel it is true. I know that my family comes first, my kids should come before someone elses child. However, my children are included in most of the activities I have with my students.....they get the same rewards for reading and memorizing the scriptures, they get the object lessons I use, they share with their friends at school what I do, they share with their teachers at church the lessons they have seen me teach. They love that I teach Seminary....they want me to be their teacher when they are in Seminary (YIKES! I don't know if I could do it for that long!) Even when they filled out a questionaire about their moms for Mothers' Day, this was one of the questions: "My mother is most happy when she___________" Ethan filled in the blank "when she teaches Seminary". I was really surprised!!...that he would notice that yes, it does bring me great joy! I took down all the pictures the other day here in the study where I hold classes and all my kids were worried that that was the end! I said I was still unsure and they all said, "you have to keep doing it, we love Seminary, where will Janine go?"....etc. etc.

So, will I teach again? I don't know...I have pray about it more because my heart is telling me YES and everyone around me is telling me NO! So, we shall see...the first Seminary meeting for teachers is in a week or so....I better get crackin'!!! It is definitely one of those "forget yourself and go to work" callings!

"So, how are you doing?"

Well, everyone has been so concerned about me!...I have really appreciated hearing from so many friends and family. Some of my friends...I don't even know how they found my blog!! Ha! The world is such a small place on the internet I guess. Thankyou thankyou thankyou sooooo much for commenting on the PPD post, it has been so helpful and has boosted my spirits. The following is from an email I wrote to my family that I figured I should post in case others wanted to see what has transpired since I last wrote.....

After writing the blog about PPD, I have felt a lot better. There must be some thereaputic quality to writing...to getting things off the brain so that you don't stew about them over and over, day in and day out. After writing things down I have felt much better.

Also, Tirsa has been sleeping better and getting into a better routine...thus I have been sleeping better, getting into a routine, and feeling like my brain is not totally mush! And, I have let go of the Nursing ritual....I have been pumping instead and giving formula. There's actually a huge release I have felt from switching to the bottle! Don't get me wrong, I love Nursing and all the benefits that go with it (cost being my number 1), and oddly I have felt an extreme amount of guilt in giving it up, but as I give the bottle more and more I feel quite liberated. It probably sounds strange to those of you who have not gone through the Nursing thing....it's like doing something you love so much that you get sick of it! Well, I'm done with it in one sense anyway.

Other things that have been helping me....de-junking! I'm having so much fun with www.freecylce.org and the Lupus Foundation pickup www.lfa.org service. It really is giving me a sense of accomplishment and order. I've also been doing a lot of housework in the process, not that my house is spotlessly clean because of it, but it's better.

I've told some of you about my $12 hair cut!!! :) I just up and went to the salon and said, "chop my hair!" I was so sick of it sticking to my neck, so it is cut in a "short back, long front" somewhat 1920s bob hairdo....kind of flapper style! It's refreshing, new, and easy! I've gotten lots of compliments on it and that has boosted my esteem. I also splurged on some Mineral Makeup (BareMinerals/BareEscentuals) that I have been eyeing for a few years now. It's a combination of mineral powders that you brush on your face very lightly....it's very natural and has a very youthful effect......also another thing that has boosted my esteem!!! :) I know these are just temporary "fixes" but I'll take that for now.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of the most important things....prayers and scripture reading. For some reason after I gave birth I had no feeling, no Spirit. It has been very odd....I feel like I've forgotten everything I knew, learned, and taught in seminary...everything was just gone. I'm slowly getting back to it.....that reminds me...you have all been asking me about Seminary!....... :)

PPD....Killing me Softly

Well, tonight after the kids were in bed, I sat down in the living room to get ready to feed the baby. Later my husband walked in, talked for a few minutes about stocks, all of which flew right over my head. Then he asked: "Do you want to tell me what you're thinking?"

I froze...stared at him, a water just poured out of my eyes uncontrollably. I could not even open my mouth, my teeth were clenched and a huge knot in my throat. The person I could talk to so well in years past, now gives me an anxiety attack! Why? I have PPD or I'm in PPD...however you want to say it.

PPD stands for Post Partum Depression. It is really quite a strange state of being. I used to think it was weird when I'd hear people be classified as OCD (obsessive compulsive) or Manic Depressive, Bipolar, or even Socially Retarded. I actually feel like all of the above right now.

Post Partum is technically described as the period of time right after giving birth and lasting for 6 weeks. It's normal to be emotional for no reason at all or feel extremely overwhelmed. Then you slowly get into the swing of things and your hormones even out....and you become "yourself" again.

With PPD, all these things seem to be multiplied by 10 and it lasts for extended period of time. For me, 6 months after I had Daria, I went into a downward spiral of depression and really have not come out since...except with the help of medication (which I'm bad about taking, but I'll talk about that later)....well that was 7 years ago now!....and I'm still not back to being "myself".

I have to just describe what I'm feeling cuz I always bottle things up inside me until I burst and make myself even more crazy than I already am!!! And when people talk to me and ask me what is up, how am I doing, I just put on a fake happy face, because it is SOOOOOO HARD TO TALK ABOUT!!!

So, I'm going to write about it.....

1. I'm always about to cry or crying. Sometimes there is a reason for it (thoughts that are going through my head, things I have done wrong or failed to do completely, etc.) and sometimes there is no reason at all.

2. I'm BRAINLESS!!! This is my way of saying that I'm a DITZ!!! I can't remember things I'm supposed to do, places I'm supposed to be, things I was supposed to tell someone, etc. I also have lost a lot of my memories from the past....I have a foggy details of things that happened to me when I was a child and then one of my siblings will talk about it in detail and just blow me away with what they remember!! I also can't focus very well on any one thing unless I really tell myself to.

3. I'm overwhelmed!...I have a myriad of things I NEED to do and things I WANT to do in my head all swirling around. I slowly check things off in my brain...if I can remember them...and still have 10 more things I find that I need to do to add to the list. These can be tasks or character flaws I need to fix, or even someone else's flaws I feel I need to help with. :) Of course I feel like everyone, well mainly Ladd, should have this same list in their heads and when they don't appear to be working as hard at it as I am, I get overwhelmed and exhausted!

4. I feel like I'm dying...part of me just goes after I have a baby and I don't mean just physically...I mean spiritually. I feel my personality is gone, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who my husband is anymore. The things that used to make me who I am don't appeal to me anymore. I feel like I am in a "weird funk" as my dad put it....in a sort of Limbo...neither here nor there, just this floating entity with no identity.

5. Antisocial party-pooper...this goes along with number 4, because part of who I am is being around lots of people and talking, sharing, having fun just being in the company of others. With PPD the opposite is true....I avoid situations now where there are lots of people. I don't feel like going to church or church acitivities, school events, even community events, parties, even just talking to the neighbors outside or talking on the phone. Why? I think for fear someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll just burst into tears or freeze and not be able to speak!

6. I "hate" everyone....right now I have a really hard time showing love for those who are close to me...they all drive me nuts! After Daria and Alia, this feeling was very strong for my children. They all drove me nuts! Some will say, "well whose kids don't?!" But this is different...any wrong look or word or action they made, threw me into screaming rage and then to tears. I remember in my old house locking myself in the basement and crying....what the kids did during that time, I didn't know and I didn't care! This time around, these feelings of hate have been more directed toward my husband. Everything he does or says seems to counteract what I have just said or done (especially in the discipline department) and it drives me mad! I yell and get mad and then sad and then....

7....I get nothing...indifferent and non-feeling. Right now I can honestly say I have no feelings for him. I am in this state of unfeeling, uncaring, unspiritual NOTHIINGNESS!

So...I need help! I need to go back to the doctor, but I get anxiety just thinking about the phone call I'd have to make to set up the appointment! And then I get anxiety thinking about how I have to talk to the doctor about everything I just explained in this post. I have anxiety about getting a prescription, because shouldn't I just be able to 'snap out of it"???...eventhough I have been through this before over and over again and I don't snap out of it till I have medication. Then I'll have to go to the pharmacy every month, then I'll have to take a pill every night....it wears me out just thinking about it.

To some who may read this, you might think: why would that wear you out or give you anxiety?? That's just the thing, in a normal person's brain it wouldn't!...it shouldn't!!! And that is why it is a disorder....

Oh that reminds me of another thing I've been feeling...disorder. I'm a discouraged perfectionist...I want certain things to be a certain way and when they fail to be that way, I get discouraged and give up altogether!...It's all or nothing!

Well everything has been in disarray lately! When my mom was here, she really helped me to get things in order....at least the main use parts of my house. It really felt good! Then my in-laws came and that all went out the window!!! UGH!...that's a whole other post I'll write about later.

I want my life to be simple...I want a house of order..physically and spiritually!!
I'm a mess! I feel like I want to leave...just leave it all and be free!!! But, leaving a proble never really solves it, and anyway, where would I go?...and who would watch the kids?...more anxiety...more discouragement....more depression.....it's a vicious cycle that's "killing me softly"