To Teach or Not to Teach, that is the Question!!

Ever since having my baby, people left and right have been asking me if I will continue to teach Seminary. Answer: I don't know!!!

Honestly I have really not felt up to it and I talked to the Bishop today. He explained to me that he has been thinking about it a lot and that he is quite torn. I guess he spent an evening up at Girls' Camp and my student Janine bore a powerful testimony...he said he was really blown away by how much she had grown...Not that I had something to do with that, but that the Seminary program had influenced her.

Five years ago, while still in North Plainfield, Ladd and I began looking for a bigger house. Everywhere we looked it was soooo expensive with not much more space. We kind of gave up looking for awhile. All of the sudden in March of 2004, I felt this incredible need to move...quickly!...and to move west....well further west that is!!! That's when we looked out this way, but still it was so expensive!! We ended up coming west and north to find cheaper property. I really didn't want to be that far from the church/highway, but this location just seemed like our home. So, we moved.

The first few years here I was rather miserable....I didn't like the ward and felt very lonely. It was difficult to talk to the members, no on seemed to invite us over or call or want to be with us. I kept thinking: "Why did we move out here? why did I feel such a need to move out here? what was the point...the purpose?" I really couldn't figure out what had pulled me out this way other than the Spirit. When the Bishop called me and asked if I would be Seminary teacher I actually wasn't turned off at all by the idea....I instantly had this feeling..."this is why I am here!"

When I look back now, it seems like the Lord was preparing me to teach Seminary...my first calling in this ward was the Beehive advisor...there were 2 beehives in Young Women: a less active girl...don't even remember her name and Janine. When I was released from YW after having Alia, I was called as a teacher in the RS and to head up the Scripture Reading RS group that met at the church on a weekly basis. What does this have to do with anything? Well, I was able to get to know Janine and have her become comfortable with me and my family. I also spent a year in a teaching role, getting experience with that. And, I was also diving into the scriptures more deeply with my assignment in the Scripture group for Relief Society. All these callings lead up to where I have been for the last 2 years....teaching Seminary to Janine! Yes I have one other student, but he is from a large family and has grown up with the church in his life. Janine is an only child, joined when her mother joined and is very irregular in her church/mutual attendance....I honestly feel that I am here for her.

I know it sounds odd, but I feel it is true. I know that my family comes first, my kids should come before someone elses child. However, my children are included in most of the activities I have with my students.....they get the same rewards for reading and memorizing the scriptures, they get the object lessons I use, they share with their friends at school what I do, they share with their teachers at church the lessons they have seen me teach. They love that I teach Seminary....they want me to be their teacher when they are in Seminary (YIKES! I don't know if I could do it for that long!) Even when they filled out a questionaire about their moms for Mothers' Day, this was one of the questions: "My mother is most happy when she___________" Ethan filled in the blank "when she teaches Seminary". I was really surprised!!...that he would notice that yes, it does bring me great joy! I took down all the pictures the other day here in the study where I hold classes and all my kids were worried that that was the end! I said I was still unsure and they all said, "you have to keep doing it, we love Seminary, where will Janine go?"....etc. etc.

So, will I teach again? I don't know...I have pray about it more because my heart is telling me YES and everyone around me is telling me NO! So, we shall see...the first Seminary meeting for teachers is in a week or so....I better get crackin'!!! It is definitely one of those "forget yourself and go to work" callings!

"So, how are you doing?"

Well, everyone has been so concerned about me!...I have really appreciated hearing from so many friends and family. Some of my friends...I don't even know how they found my blog!! Ha! The world is such a small place on the internet I guess. Thankyou thankyou thankyou sooooo much for commenting on the PPD post, it has been so helpful and has boosted my spirits. The following is from an email I wrote to my family that I figured I should post in case others wanted to see what has transpired since I last wrote.....

After writing the blog about PPD, I have felt a lot better. There must be some thereaputic quality to writing...to getting things off the brain so that you don't stew about them over and over, day in and day out. After writing things down I have felt much better.

Also, Tirsa has been sleeping better and getting into a better routine...thus I have been sleeping better, getting into a routine, and feeling like my brain is not totally mush! And, I have let go of the Nursing ritual....I have been pumping instead and giving formula. There's actually a huge release I have felt from switching to the bottle! Don't get me wrong, I love Nursing and all the benefits that go with it (cost being my number 1), and oddly I have felt an extreme amount of guilt in giving it up, but as I give the bottle more and more I feel quite liberated. It probably sounds strange to those of you who have not gone through the Nursing thing....it's like doing something you love so much that you get sick of it! Well, I'm done with it in one sense anyway.

Other things that have been helping me....de-junking! I'm having so much fun with www.freecylce.org and the Lupus Foundation pickup www.lfa.org service. It really is giving me a sense of accomplishment and order. I've also been doing a lot of housework in the process, not that my house is spotlessly clean because of it, but it's better.

I've told some of you about my $12 hair cut!!! :) I just up and went to the salon and said, "chop my hair!" I was so sick of it sticking to my neck, so it is cut in a "short back, long front" somewhat 1920s bob hairdo....kind of flapper style! It's refreshing, new, and easy! I've gotten lots of compliments on it and that has boosted my esteem. I also splurged on some Mineral Makeup (BareMinerals/BareEscentuals) that I have been eyeing for a few years now. It's a combination of mineral powders that you brush on your face very lightly....it's very natural and has a very youthful effect......also another thing that has boosted my esteem!!! :) I know these are just temporary "fixes" but I'll take that for now.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of the most important things....prayers and scripture reading. For some reason after I gave birth I had no feeling, no Spirit. It has been very odd....I feel like I've forgotten everything I knew, learned, and taught in seminary...everything was just gone. I'm slowly getting back to it.....that reminds me...you have all been asking me about Seminary!....... :)